you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
