Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
