Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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