all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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