If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
