Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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