Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
