My first STD was from a foam party
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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