I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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