he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
