I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
