he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
