Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize