sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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