Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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