He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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