I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
