I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
