3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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