Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
