The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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