I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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