I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
