I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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