This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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