Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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