the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't turn off my feet"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
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