i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
