he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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