hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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