The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
