I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
