Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
