this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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