"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
