I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
