things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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