I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
