Me. At least after what I've been through.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
