My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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