I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
