I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
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