They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
