Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Randomize
