I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want nice things and good sex
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
