we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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