It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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