It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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