I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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