Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
