your parents love me but you hate me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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