Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
