i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
