so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
