u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
