The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
COCAINE IS GR8
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
