____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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